It has been 4 years since you left me. 4 years and a day actually. The day I found out you passed away, 3/13/16, was by far the worst day of my life. Nothing seemed or felt real. I didn't believe it and I couldn't believe it. I tried to walk around the day, just figuring out what I was doing. I was trying to figure out how this could happen, why it was happening and when was I going to wake up from the nightmare of it all. It hurt so bad, I couldn't breathe, but I somehow managed that day to function. I went to lunch, I packed my bags, I talked to people on the phone, I was normal. I took a nap and woke up still hurting, but I felt just numb. It had not sank in yet.
You know when it became real...
The next day. The next day was hell because it became visual and real and I really understood that day what it was like to lose someone you love so deeply and unconditionally. The next day, which is today, 4 years ago, was a day that my world crashed. Because I woke up that day and knew it was real, I knew you really had died because I came home.
You weren't there when I got home at the door. There was no trace of your voice or smile or laughter. You weren't there to greet me at the airport or at the door. Your car, your clothes, your shoes, were all there, just empty but you weren't there. Your smell was there....
But you weren't.
That's when I knew you were gone and you were never coming back and I was never going to see you again, any and every time I went home. You were never going to be there again and I knew on the following days and years to come, small things of yours would slowly not be there either. I knew the day after was the end of my world.
4 years later and you still are not here when I come home to visit, which by the way, I come home every year this time of year. I come home and spend the week with Poppy and Uncle Kevin, because in them I see you and it makes it feel like you are still here.
So even though the day after 4 years ago, I couldn't see you or feel you or hear you, 4 years later I find you in things. I found you in my morning run this morning, as I ran past our old house on Landon ave. I found you as I crossed over the bridge. I found you in the breeze as I ran down West Bridge street. I found you in the quite morning peacefulness of this quite town. I might not have seen, heard or felt you, but I found you.
And I find you every time I am home. I come home and in the air, I know you are there for me.
You are missing a lot every year, but i know you are looking down on me. I turned 30 this year. Yes, you have a 30 year old daughter, I wish we could have many more years, 25,5 years was enough for you I suppose. I am being selfish and wish I had double that. I turned 30, I got a promotion at work, and I bought a new car. I know it wasn't a ford, but I think you would have approved.
I carry around a picture of you wherever I go. Sometimes I open it and just stare at it and some days I just don't look, but I know it is there. I heard songs this year that reminded me over you. On your birthday I cried for you and on Father's Day. I even earned a medal running in honor of you. I fell even more in love with James this year and I'm so glad you got to meet him when you did. He is living up to his promise of taking care of me.
The things I wish you didn't miss were not the big occasions, but the small ones. The ones when I was having a great day and wanted to tell you about it. Or the bad days and I just wanted you to listen. I know those days wont happen anymore, but I just miss your phone calls.
Can you find a way to call me from heaven....or wherever you are.
I have done a lot this year in growing up and becoming the woman you dreamed me to be I am sure.
Please continue to look over me, love me and guide me.
Say hi to everyone for me and send my love...
I miss you always and forever and my love is even more...