Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Real Talk with my Doubts...

Alright folks, we are going to have a little bit of some Real Talk right now...

I beat myself something fierce today....

Not physically but mentally...

Ever just have one of those moments or days where you just are not feeling it??? You hate everything and anything?? And you get so caught up inside of your head that its hard to get out???

That was me tonight...

I had a pretty decent day at work. I was off Sunday and Monday for the holiday and went back to work this morning early. I had set an alarm to get up early so I could get my run before work and well the alarm went off and I just couldn't get out of bed. I had cramps this morning, thanks to Aunt Flo and I just was fine under the covers in dream land. That was the first thing that set me off this morning.
 I felt lazy and guilty for sleeping in.

But dang I was tired. My family was down last week and man oh man did they keep me busy. We did something every single day. I stayed with them from morning until night. I did my run streak of course and on top of that I was PMSing like crazy, so towards the end, my emotions were at an all time high and all over the place.

Which brought it on to this weekend. One minute I was happy and the next I was a crank monster and super tired. It was bad. My PMS this week was something horrible. It was not a fun time of the month, not that it every really is..

So with my emotions high tonight, I started picking myself apart. I know you know what I mean. Everything about myself was not right today. My hair was frizzy, the headband wouldn't stay on right, my skin was dry and had a pimple, my arms were HUGE and didn't look right. I looked like a football player, my stomach was huge and every time I looked down my thighs seem to grow bigger and bigger, seriously they were getting bigger by the minute.

I felt guilty eating and was looking at myself in the mirror. I was sucking in my stomach at work and felt so self conscious. On my drive home, I was looking at my stomach and in my reflection. I got home from work and I felt like I didn't even know who I was in the mirror.

This was all in my head. I felt like I weighed 300 pounds and looked it. Nothing made sense in my head and all I saw was things I hated about myself in the mirror. By the time I went for my mile run, I was angry and tired and distracted and didn't have a great mile. I felt like my whole weight loss journey was a scam. I felt like I wasn't a real runner.

I said to myself I am FAT.

It was bad...

I felt all of these emotions..I felt like a failure because when I looked in the mirror I wasn't seeing the beautiful, confident person I truly am.

I was seeing deep dark demons making there way through.

BUT....

You know how I fought back and got myself out of this bad funk...

Endorphin's...

Seriously after that run, I felt 100% better. I started doing my laundry, cooking dinner and cutting up veggies. I felt like I was back to my old self and I told myself I am better than those thoughts.

I didn't let it define me...

Yes, I have added a few pounds, especially in my lower body. It happens, I was on vacation with family and PMSing, so I had a cookie and some pizza and I enjoyed beverages. I was not 100% honest with my choices and tracking. I choose something over veggies and I had candy instead of fruit. I ran only a mile because I was tired, when I could have done more. I had something quick for breakfast rather making a good choice.

And you know what it has been like this for a bit.

I haven't given 100%, I haven't done the 80/20 rule. It has probably been 50/50.

So tonight I stopped that.

I am going back to basics. The clear easy way I started losing weight was just making better choices and portions and less snacking. I am on the right track just not 100%, I have been sitting in 75% range and I deserve to do better.

I deserve to better and I have to stop hating on myself.

I have to remember that I wake up every day trying really hard. And I do. I make the decision every day to be better, to eat better and do better because I want to be better. It is freaking hard. Living a lifestyle of losing weight and being better is hard. And it is hard when you have lost a ton already and want to lose more and tone up.

Some days I don't know how to begin and I wish to stop but I can never go back to that person I was 80 pounds ago, I know I am going to have bumps along the way and tonight was one of those.

One of those that got in my head but you know what...