The best part was the one I got today...
This gave me chills...because to this day, I remember that meeting, that first weigh in, the feelings, the emotions, what I ate and how I felt afterwords. I remember, I didn't even tell James until after I weighed in and joined. He smiled and said okay. I remember getting on that scale and seeing that number of 234 and not realizing how I let it all kind of get out of control. Now I was not an excessive eater, I didn't hide food, I wasn't ashamed of food or fear it, I was just lost in it.
I didn't eat food to fulfill my emotions. Okay, maybe that was a lie. Growing up, food was everywhere and never healthy. My mom would buy we anything and everything I wanted at the grocery store, if I wanted the most sugar infused cereal, I would get it, the juice, candy, etc. My dad and grandparents did the same thing. Just to make me happy. And I loved them for that, but I never realized how it was damaging me and maybe they didn't either. Making some happy and love, truly blinds you. So growing up, I guess you can say I associated food with happiness, joy and I guess getting what I wanted.
That phased out and then portion control came in. I don't think I had an off switch, when it came to certain foods. Now I can say no at meals, or drinks, BUT snacks, yeah...that was my weakness. I could eat a whole bag of chips and salsa and not feel a bit sorry. I loved anything and everything sweet and salty. Portions were not a discussion and I never even knew what a serving size was on foods. You know those frozen meals you can make it skillet, they serve almost 4 people, I could do the whole bag.
But I wasn't sad, or depressed or angry. I was just lost. I was lost in sea of food, bad choices and portion control. I would try you know by ordering the Whole Wheat Pretzel...with the cheese dip. Or the Fast food...with the Diet Coke. Or the cookies, lots of them...with the Fat Free Milk. I would justify one with the other. Not seeing what was cleary wrong. I would order the salad...the one drenched in dressing, croutons, etc..BUT I had lettuce and tomato with it. I would order the Turkey burger....with cheese and a mound of fries.
I was lost....
Then I just had enough. I noticed, I just wasn't feeling like me, even though I didn't know what "me" felt like. I needed to find a way to find who I was, who I was meant to be. Like I posted, I loved everything, but I needed to LOVE ME! So I joined WW and it has been a crazy 4 years.
4 years I have been committed and dedicated and driven to change my life for the better, find myself and not be lost anymore. 4 years is a long time and I have never given up, some people don't stay with the same job or the same person for that long of a time...
I am not going to post a picture of my before and after because honestly I have showed so many of those over these years and I have a ways to go, so it is always evolving. But in these 4 years, I can honestly say, I found me.
I found out, I really do like veggies and not just veggies dripped in ranch or blue cheese, I love all kinds of veggies actually now and fruit. I love it fresh and cut up. I love to measure it out with hummus and other low calorie dips. I love Powdered Peanut Butter. I love water. Yup, that's a big one for me. I love chicken and pork and lean meat, turkey meat, and fish. Another big one, I eat fish now.
I love to cook and find better options. I enjoy food now even more then before because I understand it fuels me and makes me better, not just happy, but it adds to my life. I take my coffee with splenda and skim milk, it doesn't have a pool of sugar on the bottom anymore. I never go and get a pretzel and cheese dip, yeah not for me. I eat things like Kale, and Quiona and make Protein Shakes and LOVE IT.
I respect food now and I make good choices when I go out to dinner. I get dressing on the side and dip it with my fork. I get water at every meal. I look for the best, and healthiest item and I ask nicely to the waiter or waitress to modify for me. I look at serving sizes and measure my food and sometimes drinks out to get it right. Yes, I measure my wine, at times :0)
I have changed my taste buds and am willing to try new things. But here is the thing too...
I have mistakes and I get the chocolate cake, or the pizza, or the chips and salsa. I treat myself and reward myself, BUT I DON'T DO IT ALL THE TIME.
I allow myself to let go, once and awhile, I have fun and I enjoy, but I know the second I do, the next meal or day, I am right back to where I was. I crave the apples, and tuna (without mayo, that was a big one) and the salad, etc. I want it in my body because now those foods, make me feel good.
I don't beat myself up or feel guilty. Sure, times I feel regret for that pizza, like this weekend, but I know I wont turn back. I don't want to be like that again. See, I didn't say that girl, I have always been the same girl, just enhanced a bit more, I don't want those choices, I don't want to feel the way I did. I love waking up and feeling better, looking in the mirror and seeing changes, changes that the scale cant give me.
In 4 years, I have taken up running, I think you heard I ran a marathon, you know 26.2 miles!! Hahaha..well I would NEVER have thought to do that before. Now 13 miles seems like a walk in the park. I don't think 20 ever will haha. But now it is part of my vocabulary. Coming home from work, I can't wait to get my running shoes, feel the pavement, have the release. Before I couldn't wait to have a snack and take a nap.
I mean, I still do now, but after a good work out or run!
While I won't be with Weight Watchers forever, I will carry what I have learned with them for the rest of my life. I will constantly remember how it changed my life and opened the doors for me. Yes, I did this all my own and I did it all for me, just like with running, but the guidance and support came from all of them. I am not sure what I want to do next, but I know I am never going back. My life is healthy, I am happy and I will continue to grow and loose the weight. I am determined and driven and seeing how far I have come in 4 years, I know I will get to my ultimate goal!! I was a girl who wore a size 22-6, close to 70 pounds lost remains off of me in 4 years, I fall back down and get back up, I stand tall, I run and I am stronger and better than ever before.
My life has completely changed in 4 years. I didn't know what to expect or how it was all going to play out. I never thought I would have a blog or meet the people I know. I never thought I would inspire others to do the same. I never thought I would love to be active and healthy. I never knew who I truly was. Underneath it all, here I was waiting....
I am no longer lost...But found.